So it has all come down to this, my last live journal entry forever, good. I am holding nothing back because I have nothing to hide anymore. I will use your name and I will hurt you or love you, maybe you wont even care, but this is how I feel so just deal with it. I don't really expect anyone to read this anyway because that is how my journal has always been. These past few months have thought me a lot, how distorted my vision has been, and trying to understand why I held on to everything that I did for so long. I feel free, alive, and not like I am there for someone's personal amusement anymore. I am sick of hypocrites, back-stabbers, and manipulators, you all know who you are. I am grateful this all happened because I know who my true friends are now, and I love you all:
Jen: you've always been there for me sweetheart, and I will always love you for this. Even in seventh grade when Amy, Ashley, and Robyn hated me, you were cool about me and Shannon together. Although so much has changed, all you have ever cared about was my happiness, never change Jen, you are an amazing person. You and Dan are truly fantastic for each other, good for you baby, and Dan too. I always knew you would be there for me.
Pat: my best friend, my butt buddy...where do I begin. I might say some pretty mean(but funny) shit to you, but it is all in good fun, you know that. So lets just kick back and watch some cartoons, play some bitchin' music, and let the good times roll. Go for Jill man, fuck Jon, he isn't there, you guys will be happy together. It was fun watching you guys Saturday, she was so flirting with you dude, she cannot even deny that. Best friends for life man, it's like, hey....lets hang out.
Dan f'ing Carr: Oh so sexy and cool. I haven't known you for that long but I consider you one of my best friends dude, you always make me laugh. Make Jen feel good huh....she doesn't have enough self-esteem, and she deserves to be happy more than a lot of people. You are a great person Dan, always know that I am hear to talk.
Rach: my little cutie-pie. Sit and think for about five minutes.... we've really been through a lot homie. Look how much we have both changed, I am so proud of you cutie, always comfortable with being yourself. Out of all the people I know, I really hope that when we are all grown up, we will still be friends, I love you Rachel, that much I can say. Steven makes you happy, so that makes me happy. Never forget to smile, it will make your day better.
There are more, but none quite as special as those people right there. There are a lot of people who cannot even compare to how amazing they are. But now there are others, who have just shocked me beyond belief that I wish not to say unkind words about them but this being such a grand of occasion I feel it is right to. Some of you I respect more than I can say, but your poor judgment makes me shake me head in disbelief and sorrow. Please understand that I can never hate any of you, but I do not think I can have you in my life any longer.
Amy: I loved, I love you, for this love have lost
state, station, heaven, mankind's, my own esteem
and yet not cannot regret what it hath cost,
so dear is still the memory of that dream;
yet, if I name my guilt, 'tis not to boast,
none can deem harshlier of me than I deem.
I trace this scrawl because I cannot rest-
I've nothing to reproach or to request.
I wish I did not know the things you and others have said about me, I had always thought of you as the one person I could always talk to. But that trust is sadly no more, and I hate to believe that it is gone forever, but I do not see it ever being restored. "I got the hint", but I had to find it myself, while others sat in amusement and mocked my sorrow. I wish you were not one of them. I cannot help but ask why, how could someone I use to love so much go so far away? Maybe your life will be better without me in it, after all I am quite pathetic, aren't I? The world is not after you, I know if you stopped walking you could smell the flowers if you want, just leave the weight of the world behind and you'll find out. But it has been so long since we last talked, maybe this has already happened. I never thought you would be so quick to look at someone and judge them by appearance, that was a very unpleasant shock to me. It would be nice to believe you were going to approach Michelle and tell her that you have said some very nasty things about her, and you were only being rude and you apologize full-heartedly for it. I know that doesn't sound "realistic," but the Amy I once thought I knew would do just that, I really don't want to think I have been this wrong about you Poo. Live life, it's waiting for you..
Shannon: No more lies, no more sugar-coated truths, just be honest, something you could never do, try as you might. I will never understand you, your logic and sense of direction in life, you have just kept too many things secret from me I do not even know who you are, nor do I wish to find out who that person is. Let me be that nostalgia you hide in your closet, fine, it doesn't sadden me, nor does it even shock me if you do just that, but I never forget, and I never will. You have hurt me more than I can even begin to explain, you know what you have done, feel however you want to about it, it does not change what has been done. Why did you let it drag out again, it did not work the first time, why wait again. You knew how you felt but you held on, don't ever think I needed your pity, this was all you. What were you trying to prove? You've become everything we use to hate, and what I still do. You've become just another face in the crowd now, it use to make me physically sick to even see you in home room, but now it does not even phase me. The one thing I will never forget, is how much you took love for granted. You went to JFHS practice, and needed money, so I gave it to you, nothing, but then you said "I love you", learn what love is Shannon, maybe your life will be better off. So this is it now, I have nothing more to say, because there is nothing I can say nice about you.
To all of you, life is what you make it, so do with it what you will. For those of you who have really made a difference in my life, I will see you another day, but others, well...best of luck to you in life.